Lala Kent, Katie Maloney, and Ally Lewber do a workout together, after which Lala tells them that she invited Tom Sandoval to her water tasting. Katie doesn’t look happy, but it could be because she was forced to do squats instead of drinking a glass of Pinot Grigio.
Sandoval’s assistant Ann Maddox comes in dressed for a job interview with Ariana Madix. This is the sweet, sweet revenge that Ariana has been looking for since Scandoval. Ann proves she’s cut out for deception when she lies tells Sandoval that she’s just helping Ariana help her find an assistant through her vast network of assistants. It doesn’t register to Sandoval that Ann is wearing a business suit and he’s like, whatevs.
Downstairs, Ann tells Ariana that part of her job as Sandoval’s assistant consists of picking up his dirty underwear and socks, which apparently he doesn’t change every day. Ew. No wonder she’s begging Ariana to poach her.
“I mean, Ariana already got all of our friends, now she has to take my assistant?” Sandoval asks in a confessional. “She can have anybody she wants work for her.”
Ariana tells Ann that it’s too tricky to hire her right now with the living situation, but maybe if she moves out, they can work together. Ann looks hopeful.
Tom Schwartz the plant guy visits Scheana Shay and Brock Davies. He gifts them a plant and Summer Moon a hat that’s way too big. Uncle Schwartzy clearly doesn’t know his way around kids.
Despite missing the mark on gifts that kids actually like, Schwartz tells the cameras that he wants to be a DILF. The question is, who will want to have his kids?
Because this is Los Angeles, Scheana has a cold plunge bathtub set up on her patio.
Invasions of privacy within the Vanderpump Rules cast
Ariana visits Katie and tells her that after the job interview, she found Ann crying. According to Ariana, Sandoval was eavesdropping and got all bossy boss with Ann.
“I don’t like this invasion of privacy that’s been happening all around. I feel like my privacy was invaded via Scheana tracking Max like that,” Katie inserted. In case you missed the last episode, Scheana revealed that she tracks her friends’ phones, which is how she found out Max Boyens and Katie had a rendevous.
Back at Scheana and Brock’s, Schwartz asks if Katie knows that he knows about the Max hookup. “I’m staying out of this one,” Scheana says, despite being the one who revealed she tracked her friends. Then she admonishes Brock for revealing the hookup in the first place.
“That was not his place because if that backfires on me, and then Katie gets upset with me,” Scheana tells Schwartz. Brock answers, “Let’s not forget last summer, she wished for your world to f*cking burn.”
As usual, Schwartz fails to have Katie’s back and says her Max fling is “f*cking hypocritical.” He reasons that Max is one of his BFFs while Rachel Leviss is just a “fringe friend” so therefore, Katie shouldn’t have gotten upset about their kiss last season. Scheana says, “Maybe it’s tit for tat.”
At Katie’s place, she tells Ariana that it wasn’t about revenge. “Tom can be upset if he wants, but at the end of the day, should I feel bad? No. It’s not like we had an agreement, right?” Katie says in a confessional wryly, given that Schwartz broke their pact not to hook up with any mutual friend.
The Vanderpump Rules group meets up to drink water
It’s Lala’s water-tasting event, complete with a water sommelier. The group lines up in front of various waters as Lala asks, “Has anyone done this before?” Unsurprisingly, everyone says no, because we all drink water like plebians — filtered from the tap or fridge.
The sommelier tells the group that water is so old that it might be “dinosaur piss.” Yum. “I’m the Harry Potter of waters.” He tells them that if he shakes a bottle of water, it will turn into milk. They all look either intrigued, skeptical, weirded out, or bored.
The dude shakes the bottle and it turns foamy, which is because of carbonation, not a magic spell. Inferiormus.
The sommelier then presents a bottle of water made by Cuvée, which costs $1,000 because two springs came together and intermingled their magical manna of the gods to create a very expensive carbonated beverage.
“How many bottles are in the world of it?” Lala asks. “I have no clue,” the expert replies. They all cheers to water, which everyone knows is bad luck. Everyone tastes their glasses of water like, “Oh, I taste the nuances of the Cascades,” and “This one has elements of mineral.” Meanwhile, Katie tells the cameras, “It tastes like water.”
Everyone’s had enough of being healthy and they commence to drinking wine and eating pizza. Sandoval is sad that Ariana is making snide comments about him but then he goes outside and tells the guys that his ex has been asking his new flame Tii questions, like, “How old are you?”
He says he was on a first date and adds, “I felt like it was really tacky.”
Brock suggests Sandoval and Ariana have a conversation, which falls on deaf ears. Inside, Ariana tells the girls that Ann may have been fired by Sandoval. Lala asks how things are going to work, given that Ann was the middleman between the two exes. Ariana suggests that her lawyer will take over, which makes Lala laugh at the idea, because what lawyer would call Sandoval to be like, “Hey, Ariana needs the house for a business meeting so would you kindly vacate.”
Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz argue about the same thing
Katie has had enough and goes outside to see Schwartz in his Buddy the Elf sweater. They talk about the Max hookup. “I might have been in an extreme ‘f*ck it’ mentality because I was like, Tom had been doing me dirty for years and years and years. I don’t really give a f*ck,” Katie tells him.
“Max is literally my best friend and you f*cked him. And you roasted me into oblivion after I kissed Raquel and she was barely in the friend group,” Schwartz argues. Katie reminds him again that they had a deal to be friends as long as they didn’t bang their mutual friends.
“That seems like a flimsy agreement,” Schwartz says. “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, truly.” Katie replies, “That’s the reason we got divorced because everything I felt was flimsy to you … My feelings never matter to you.”
Schwartz can’t get off the Max train and then they argue about whose shirt looks lamer.
Ariana Madix calls Tom Sandoval an attempted dog murderer
As the “Vanderpump Rules” group is eating pizza, Brock asks Ariana about the Ann situation, because they can’t seem to stop talking about it. Ariana tells them, “So, I asked her for advice on assistants and she was saying, ‘I also would really love to work for you.’ Well, the attempted dog murderer was eavesdropping, and then when I left to go to Katie’s, [Ann] was crying.”
This all happened while Sandoval was conveniently walking by and overheard. Brock asks who the “attempted dog murderer” is and Sandoval says, “Oh, she’s referring to me.”
Ariana claims in a confessional that Sandoval opened her closed bedroom door and locked her dog Mya in there for hours, during which the dog ate takeout leftovers containing wooden skewers.
The two argue in front of the group and Sandoval says, “Ariana, you haven’t emptied the litter box for your cat in two years.” She answers, “I literally emptied the litter box when you were out of town.” This is like when parents argue about who changed the baby’s diaper last.
“Ariana’s taken a very quick jump from accident to dog murder,” Sandoval tells the cameras. “Mya’s okay, there’s no dead dog in this situation.”
Sandoval and Ariana continue to yell in front of their friends, threatening to bring lawyers in. “Why are you talking to me? You left the f*cking back door open when I came home from SUR the other night, it was wide f*cking open. One more f*cking example of your carelessness and your f*cking callousness when it comes to the house that was my f*cking dream house and my f*cking children … get the f*ck away from me,” Ariana shouts.
Ariana threatens to call the cops on Sandoval before he takes his purses and leaves. Lala and Scheana try to reason with Ariana, but there’s no reason to be had because she’s mad mad.
The Toms hang out (with Kyle Chan)
Somehow, jewelry designer Kyle Chan has inserted himself into the “Vanderpump Rules” group and is an honorary cast member. Sandoval, Schwartz, and Kyle are out and they clearly hadn’t coordinated their outfits. Schwartz is dressed like an eight-year-old with a ringer tee, Sandoval is wearing his grandmother’s sweater vest, and Kyle has on a black button-down and white t-shirt.
Sandoval tells Schwartz that he got invited to a singles event. Schwartz does his “aw shucks” bit when he feels uncomfortable and says, “I’m fragile lately. I just found out my best friend’s banging my ex-wife.”
In a confessional, Sandoval says he and Schwartz have never been single together. “So, I think the singles night is a good opportunity for us to get out there and meet some people and get our mojo back a little bit.”
Then, Sandoval fires shots. He tells Kyle about their fight at the water tasting and claims, “Ariana doesn’t do a goddamn f*cking thing in that house. I don’t even know her ass gets wiped, the girl’s so f*cking goddamn lazy. You don’t even empty the litter box of your cat. I literally pulled out the litter box and replaced the entire thing. It had f*cking 12 sh*ts in that.”
Sandoval claims Ariana is lazy and is focused on her many deals and meetings with the pope. Sounds a bit jelly.
Scheana Shay’s beach day
Scheana is wondering if she should disinvite Sandoval but Brock thinks that Ariana should just handle things like an adult and get over her feelings about getting cheated on in the worst way possible. “To be that triggered by somebody, you want to try and control your emotions and if that’s a trigger, figure out how to fix it because what I saw was not okay,” Brock mansplains.
When Scheana tries to explain her point of view, Brock interrupts her, which makes her snap. At the end of the day, Scheana is afraid of Ariana’s wrath if she goes against her.
The group all meet up at the bach. Ariana reveals that Ann is no longer working with Sandoval but will continue to get employment with her and Katie. “She’s not going to be without a job,” Ariana promises.
Sandoval comes with his stripey beach sweater and it’s totally not awkward. James Kennedy draws a literal line in the sand dividing Team Ariana and Team Sandoval.
The not-so-secret makeout session between Scheana and Schwartz gets brought up. Scheana says, “Almost every guy in this group has been flirty with me at some point, you included,” she points at Sandoval.
“It’s more of like, recipient of flirtiness,” Sandoval says. “Is that what you told Raquel when you guys started that whole thing?” Brock asks.
Ariana finally looks up from her phone and asks them to stop talking about the affair. Everyone asks Sandoval if he fired Ann and he says he’s just figuring things out. Katie points out that he should let her know what the situation is because she thinks she’s out of a job.
Custody comes into play when Ariana says her pets are hers but Sandoval says differently. He tries to argue with her but she’s basically covering her ears and saying, “I can’t hear you.”
Ariana is pissed that she’s forced to hang out with Sandoval and her friends don’t have her back. “I’m not saying that Ariana needs to forgive and forget, but I just think maybe it would be better if Ariana released some of this anger,” James says.
However, Ariana thinks the guys should be like, “Bro, shut the f*ck up.” When Lala tries to defend Sandoval, Ariana tells her, “Tell him to shut the f*ck up. Lala, I don’t need you to play devil’s advocate.”
