Kristen Doute is trying to sell her James Mae t-shirts but Zack Wickam is having a meltdown over not being invited to Janet Caperna’s babymoon in Big Bear. TBH, everyone should just steer clear of Janet and all the drama.
Zack’s hurt because he had Janet’s back and everyone rallies around him. Nia Booko thinks he’s just guilty by association from being friends with Kristen, who is on the outs with everyone in the Valley.
Jax is like wasn’t this talked about at the last dinner but Kristen tells him that she wasn’t invited, which is why the Capernas weren’t invited to her event. Everyone is just disinviting everyone and a divided group does not make a good reality show.
“You want to talk about mean girl behavior? Janet is a high-key mean girl, not just low. She’s high, low, she’s medium. She’s every type of mean girl there is. And she’s good at hiding it, which is the craziest part,” Zack says in a confessional.
Brittany Cartwright and Jasmine Goode are talking to Zack about Janet and in the background, some dude named Simon is low-key spying on them, except he’s not doing a good job.
Jasmine calls him out and he says, “I’m texting Janet and letting her know what’s going on and what’s being said.”
“I’m sorry but you’re not involved in this,” Jasmine tells him. “Sorry about that,” he says and slinks away.
Jesse Lally has found peace through plant-based medicine
Jesse Lally is apparently a hipster now after doing ayahuasca in the forest and comes home wearing a beanie.
“It was pretty profound. I’m so aware. It was plant-based medicine mixed with hardcore meditation and breathing, and it was the most unbelievable experience but it was so overwhelming and it came on real hard,” he tells his wife Michelle Lally. “Everybody turned into energy, the hillside, the grass. I got rid of the burning of my head, I saw this, like, demon and I kept trying to throw the demon away.”
Jesse goes on and on about his spiritual experience and Michelle is bored already. She asks him how he feels and he says he’s a changed man and his old self has died.
“An ego that big is really hard to kill,” Michelle tells the cameras. “But he just has like, a completely different energy, so maybe it did work.”
At their house, Jesse pulls Michelle in for a kiss, which she does so verrrrry reluctantly.
Janet Caperna has her minions doing the dirty work for her
Simon the spy goes over to Janet’s house and her other friend Jared is already there. She asks them how Kristen’s t-shirt event was and admits that she was waiting for news even though she wasn’t invited. Thirsty much?
Simon tells them that he tried to give Janet the DL but he got caught by Zack and that he and Kristen were crying over Big Bear.
Janet thinks it’s understandable that Zack was crying at not being invited to her babymoon but is confused as to why Kristen is boohooing over being excluded.
“Kristen crying, is like, huh? She invited a hundred people with a flyer that she didn’t invite me to but then as soon as she hears that I’m having a 10-person, intimate, overnight trip, I’m like, I see right through you, b*tch,” Janet says.
Janet’s not interested in hearing Kristen out but she calls Zack to clear the air. He tells her that he understands why Kristen and her boyfriend Luke Broderick weren’t invited to her babymoon but to exclude him?
Then, because he doesn’t know that Janet’s minions are over, he says through the speakerphone, “But what I also didn’t appreciate is your pink-booted friend (flashback to Simon showing off his Croc booties at Kristen’s event) recording me and Jasmine and Brittany talking.” Simon turns into the surprise-face emoji.
Janet defends Simon, but not his Crocs, and says she’s the one who texted him to gauge what people are saying about her. Zack starts getting loud and Janet says, “You’re coming in pretty aggressive right now for somebody who’s expecting an invitation from me.”
“I’m coming in hot because I don’t get to go,” Zack whines. It’s clear he has some trauma over not sitting at the popular table in high school. Jared frantically motions for her to hang up on him and she tells him she has to go.
The Valley’s in-crowd goes to Big Bear
Everyone, minus Kristen, Luke, and Zack make their way to Big Bear. Even Nia and Danny Booko’s twin babies are going so it looks like they made the cut. Janet and Jason Caperna arrive at the house first and it’s GORGEOUS. Zack is going to watch this episode and cry (again).
Jesse and Michelle are riding with Jax Taylor, Brittany, and Jasmine. The Lally’s are already bickering because Jesse wants Michelle to wear lingerie to some themed party but she doesn’t even wear them for her husband so why would she do it for others?
“I haven’t had sex in SO LONG!” Jesse yells. Brittany gets it because Jax doesn’t want to get it on with her either.
At the house, Michelle and Jesse get a room with two separate beds. He grabs her from behind and says, “Oh, hell no. We’re going to have tons of sex. This is our sex trip.”
Michelle couldn’t look more unenthusiastic and if she could, she would trade places with Zack in a heartbeat.
Janet Caperna is bossy
“The Valley” group makes their way to Big Bear Lake, where the girls rented a pontoon and the guys are just swigging alcohol from the bottle.
On the boat, Janet brings up Kristen’s event and Jasmine reenacts Simon spying on them while Zack is crying. “The way he was standing, Janet, it was like giving creep.”
Janet says she felt back that Zack was crying but added, “To be perfectly honest, I don’t think Zack should necessarily expect to be invited.” She’s still salty about Zack telling Kristen that Janet said Michelle was racist.
“But you guys were getting in a good place,” Jasmine says. Janet responds, “Yes but it wasn’t a 100% we’re good, we’re best friends. I’m starting at square one with you, building trust slowly — ”
Jasmine interrupts and Janet snaps, “Do you want to let me talk or not?” Janet looks pissed.
“The f*ck? Like, okay girl, watch your tone with me right now because I’m planning a baby shower for you and you have no idea and I will take these gifts right back, okay?” Janet says in a confessional.
Because Janet’s pregnant, Jasmine doesn’t throw her off the boat. Instead, she asks, “Do you truly want to be friends with Zack? Because I feel like a lot of it keeps going back to Kristen but you got to take her out at some point.”
“I was willing to give him a shot at friendship,” Janet says. How magnanimous of her.
Jason Caperna is the number one smart guy in the group
On shore, Jesse is failing around in the water on a tube and Jax tells the other guys, “Not to kill the mood or anything, but Jesse still doesn’t know Kristen told me that Michelle was texting somebody on the side.”
This whole group is a game of telephone, which Jason points out. “Why are we like, sneaking around like little b*tches? If we have some information that our friend should know, we should f*cking tell him straight to his face.”
In a confessional, he says, “Throughout this summer, we have gone through multiple situations wherein somebody hears a rumor and spreads it. So with this new rumor that we’ve heard about Michelle, I’m not sure why we’re not just sort of nipping this one in the bud. Like, why are we repeating the same actions we’ve been doing all summer?”
At Big Bear Lake, Jax throws Kristen under the bus and says the rumor is coming from her. Is he just not able to keep his mouth shut?
Kristen Doute and Luke Broderick get advice from an extra
Kristen and Luke want to have a baby together and weren’t invited to Big Bear so they have a couples counseling sesh. They don’t want to turn out like Michelle and Jesse, that’s for sure.
The counselor asks about their financial situation because it’s one of the biggest issues for couples but Kristen says her vagina closes up when she thinks about it. Red flag number one.
Red flag number two: Both Kristen and Luke don’t have family members around to help out with their future baby, which the therapist is concerned about. “I guess I wanted to hear a little more about your support systems here because they’re going to be your sanity.”
Luke brings up Kristen’s circle of friends and how he doesn’t trust them. The therapist scribbles something and it turns out he’s just doodling. Is he a hired actor?
Someone check his IMDb. He may have been an extra on “Law & Order.”
It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt
The guys and girls meet up in Big Bear, which seems like a good idea at first. They all had a day where the girls hung out and the guys chilled without their wives. However, when they all get together, someone thinks it’s a good idea to practice martial arts on each other.
Jesse and Michelle spar but then he taps her nose. She admits that she had a nose job a year ago due to a “deviated septum.”
Let’s have more couples fighting! Brittany gets videos from her nanny of Cruz crying over swimming class. She gets upset but then Jax doesn’t want to hear it and tells her to stop playing the videos.
“I don’t want to hear the baby cry a hundred times,” he yells. “It’s my child.”
In a confessional, Brittany says, “Jax does not care how he talks to me in front of people. He’s talked to me in front of my friends, in front of my family, in front of my dad and my mom … doesn’t even think it’s a big deal.”
Danny Booko vs. Jesse Lally
In the car back to the house, Danny tells Jesse that he thinks he’s been coming for him all day in a low-key way. Flashback to Jesse trying to strangle Danny with a beach towel.
“Are you crying right now?” Jesse asks Danny. “Are you crying a river?” Danny tells him that he just wants to be Kumbaya with him.
“Danny’s a little sensitive,” Jesse says in a confessional. “By a little, I mean a lot. By a lot, I mean the most sensitive man I’ve ever met.”
“I just want to have fun. I apologize that you were offended,” Jesse tells Danny in the car. Danny says that is not an apology. Jesse then yells, “I already apologized, will you shut the f*ck up?” Clearly, the ayahuasca didn’t take.
Jax Taylor confronts Michelle Lally about her alleged boyfriend
At the Big Bear house, Jax makes some margs and tells Michelle he needs to talk to her about what Kristen told him. He acts like he needs to get it off his chest because he can’t bear the guilt anymore but we all know he just wants to stir up drama. Jax would make a perfect Real Housewife.
He tells Michelle that there was a girls’ night at his house a few months ago and when he came home later that night, Kristen was drunk and started talking about her.
“I know the kind of person Kristen is. When she gets to the bottom of the barrel, she will do whatever she can to ruin people’s lives and I want you to get ahead of it,” Jax says. Isn’t he supposed to be Kristen’s friend? Oh well.
“Kristen was saying that, you know, Michelle is texting guys … a particular person on the side,” Jax says. Michelle admits that she told Kristen that she met some famous guy and had coffee with him.
Jax then tells Michelle that he heard she sent sexy selfies to this guy. “She is right. I have texted multiple people,” she answers. Jax is shocked. To be continued…
