For the “Vanderpump Rules” fans who have missed Jax Taylor and Kristen Doute are in for a wild ride because “The Valley” is finally here with the reality stars plus their new friends. Not much has changed, except Jax and Brittany Cartwright now have a little son named Cruz and Kristen is booed up with Luke Broderick, who looks like Vincent van Gogh, and she wants to have a baby ASAP.
Jax is making income by doing Cameos and Brittany has had lipo under her chin to get rid of her “turkey gobbler.” She tells Jax that she doesn’t have full control over her jaw and he implies that he has to remember she can’t give BJs. Hardy har har.
Introduce Danny and Nia Booko, who have three kids, two of whom are twin babies, but still manage to look perfect. Nia tells the cameras, “When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of all the things that I wanted in a future husband. And he’s literally every single thing on the list.”
Viewers were expecting to hear, “Nice guy, gets along with his mom, loves animals,” but nope. “I want a man with a six-pack, a great jawline, beautiful eyes … ” Then Danny corrects Nia, “Eight pack.” They certainly have their priorities straight.
“I never thought I would marry Miss USA, and now times have changed,” Danny tells the cameras. He assumes people know him from “iCarly” and making zombie noises on “The Walking Dead,” but he’s going to be sorely disappointed.
Janet and Jason Caperna are expecting their first kid and she wants him to know how it feels to be pregnant by saran wrapping fruit around his abdomen. Janet says that she loves structure so she would do great in prison. She and Jason laugh like a married couple who have not yet had kids.
In other news, Jesse and Michelle Lally have the tense energy of parents who disagree on everyday matters. While Michelle is doing laundry, he hovers over her and asks if a pen stain has come out. She asks him if he wants to do the wash and he tells her, “No I don’t want to do it. I want you to do it.”
Cut to a confessional. “What are some words that you would use to describe your husband?” a producer asks. “I have to think about that,” Michelle laughs. Jesse looks at her. “Loving … sexy?”
It’s not a surprise that they announced their separation before “The Valley” premiere even aired, per ET.
Kristen Doute wants to have a baby; Jax Taylor objects
Kristen has come a long way since cheating on Tom Sandoval with Jax and punching James Kennedy in the face during her “Vanderpump Rules” days. She is now in her 40s and wants to have a kid, like, now. The problem is that Luke lives in Colorado and is pretty much a lumberjack, who loves nature. However, he’s going to spend the summer in LA with Kristen and hopefully get her pregnant.
The boys all go golfing but indoors at one of those virtual golf ranges because they’re in LA. Luke arrives and it’s apparent that Jax doesn’t like him. They all hit balls against a screen and Jesse tells the cameras that he’s the “number one golfer in the group.” Good thing Jax didn’t hear him.
Luke asks Jax to unblock him so that they can be friends and Jax plays dumb. “I think Kristen pissed you off at one point and you just blocked both of us,” Luke tells him. “Here’s the thing about Kristen. She’s going to piss me off at least once a month,” Jax responds.
When Luke tells the group that his life is mostly in Colorado, Jax perks up. “Is it going to stay like that?” he asks. Luke tells them their plans to have kids and then Jax butts in, “Do you think she’s wanting it for the right reasons?”
Friar Jax Taylor continues, “Because, you know, we just want to make sure she’s going to be okay, you know, having a kid out of wedlock.”
Jax Taylor is all Kristen Kristen Kristen
What better way to celebrate a friend’s birthday than a fair-themed birthday party, complete with a dunk tank? Brittany and Jax host a shindig for Janet and all the group and their kids are invited. It’s kitschy with balloons and themed cookies but with an LA twist — a real tattoo station.
Janet is agog at the theme and her pregnant self is excited. Everyone has fun and drinks, except for her.
Jax can’t get off the Kristen train and tells Lala Kent, “So you know Doute as well as I do and we love her to death … But the trying to get pregnant thing, you’re bringing a child into this world. What’s going to happen?”
“I just think she needs to really think about it, you know, and really make sure she’s ready … and maybe pick a guy that’s going to stay in LA.”
As the night progresses, Lala points out that all the guys talking about women having babies aren’t women. “There’s a bunch of men talking about motherhood,” she says, incredulously. “Not one of them is a mother.”
Jax is still blah blah blah. “Personally, I don’t ever think you’re fully 100% ready for kids. You can be as ready as you can, but you’re never … there’s hidden expenses, there’s hidden things,” he tells the clouds because no one’s listening anymore at this point.
Kristen comes over to say hi to Brock. Jax asks her if she’s “ready for this situation,” because no one asked him.
“Jax, were you ready?” she asks him. “It’s not like you’re getting a dog with your boyfriend,” he doth protest too much. “Who are you to say if I’m ready or what kind of mom would I be?” Kristen shoots back. She tells him that she’s very ready, not that it’s any of his business. “Jax, suck a d*ck,” she tells the cameras.
Jax Taylor pulls a stupid pants stunt
Jax takes a break from trying to tell Kristen what to do with her uterus. When Danny and Nia say they’re leaving, Brock whispers to Jax to pull Danny’s pants down. Because Jax thinks it’s a good idea to expose a man in front of children, he listens. Jax runs away like a cartoon villain while Brock laughs.
Nia asks why Danny is so calm as he tries to brush it off. Jax comes back and says, “Hey, I love you.” Nia is not having it and tells him, “You just pulled his whole f***ing penis out.” Danny points out that he’s wearing a bathing suit.
“I don’t know what’s a bathing suit and what’s not a bathing suit,” Jax reasons. He apologizes to Danny but shares in a confessional later, “I honestly thought Daniel was an underwear guy. You know, it’s kind of a hard way to learn the lesson that he’s not.”
Daniel may be chill about it on the surface but Nia is crying in another room. “Who does something like that?” she asks Brittany. “I don’t think he realized it was gonna like, happen like that,” Brittany tells her. Everyone reassures Nia that they didn’t see anything.
“It’s just so wrong,” Nia cries. The girls all tell her that they would be upset too and Brittany hugs her as she cleans up Jax’s mess.
Outside, Jax tells Danny, “I’m sorry that your pee-pee was out.” Jax comes in and apologizes to Nia. “I’m too old for that,” she says. We all are at this point. Does Jax not know who his audience is? The folks who followed “Vanderpump Rules” from the beginning are now in their 30s and 40s. “The Valley” version of Jax is trying way too hard for a middle-aged man.
