Dinner in the Valley is turning into “2 Days in the Valley” with everyone turning on each other and telling each other to “Shut the f*ck up.” Luke Broderick stands up to leave and they’re all like, go ahead. Kristen Doute just sits there squinting at them and Michelle Lally says, “You know what, that face right there, that’s why nobody feels sorry for you because now you’re trying to make it seem like you’re the victim.”
“But you know what you’re doing? You have made me a victim. I am Mexican. I am Persian…” Michelle rants before Kristen says, “All because of him,” referring to Zack Wickham. His hair does a double-take.
Kristen tells Michelle and Jesse Lally that she’s sorry for spilling her mouth and says, “I have done nothing but protect you.”
Jason Caperna the lawyer tells the cameras, “It immediately begs the question of, what are you protecting her from?”
At the Capri dinner, Danny Booko asks where all the accusations are coming from and his sensible wife, Nia Booko, tells him to hush.
Jesse tells Kristen that she needs to grow up while Brittany Cartwright drinks a shot, noticeably not defending her friend. Jax Taylor steps in and says, “Maybe she did something wrong…” Zack and his hair say, “She was attacking me first.”
Then, Kristen really digs herself into a hole when she accuses the group of bringing up racist stuff. They’re all, hello, you’re the one who brought it up! Good thing Kristen isn’t a lawyer. She and Luke get up to leave.
Kristen Doute can’t leave the party
Michelle demands that Kristen say sorry and not blame the racist comment on anyone else. In a confessional, Kristen says, “I repeated what Zack told me and Luke.” Jax is urging Kristen to call out Zack and then the tears commence.
“I’m so beyond disappointed in you. I don’t even f*cking know you. I understand that it hurt a lot of people but I’m not a liar,” she tells Zack.
“You are trying right not to take zero responsibility. I’m taking responsibility for yes, I had said things to you, and I admitted on camera,” Zack says. He tells Kristen to apologize to Janet, who is unreceptive and accuses her of not caring that she’s pregnant.
Basically, Janet is blaming Kristen for a rumor that Zack told her and spread to the rest of the group about Michelle.
Jason the lawyer says, “We have to go from A to B to C to get to D, you know what I mean?” He adds, “You’re saying that there was enough information that you maybe gave Kristen that maybe she translated and didn’t make up something out of thin air.”
“Oh my god, your semantics are literally turning me on right now,” Zack says. This is Janet’s cue to leave and everyone looks relieved.
Jesse Lally sucks
At home, Michelle reads Jesse a text Kristen sent her, which says, “I just wanted to assure you that your secrets are safe with me and I don’t retaliate for the sake of my own mental health. Wishing you the best.”
Jesse asks what secret Kristen is referring to and Michelle sidesteps it by saying, “I don’t know what that means exactly but does she not comprehend that my life is much bigger than this?” Her husband likes her response and thinks it’s hot that she stood up to yell at Kristin, which is a departure from him putting his hand up to her face when she tried to talk that night.
He then shows his douchebaggery by telling the cameras, “If she was that physical in the bedroom, we’d probably have like six kids by now.”
They rehash dinner and Jesse applauds Michelle for tossing her chair aside and getting all aggro. She laughs because he’s on her side and not telling her to shut up with a hand to her face.
“In a twisted way, Kristen is bringing Jesse and I together,” she says in a confessional. Methinks she has a case of the ‘ole Stockholm syndrome.
Kristen Doute is supposedly the bone-collector of the group
Janet talks to Jason about the statement Kristen made about protecting Michelle and they compare her to the mafia going around extorting people to keep their secrets.
“It sounds like Kristen has something on Michelle that she’s trying to threaten her with. It just feels icky to me,” Janet tells the cameras. “To be honest, if I were Michelle, I would probably assume I’m going to come home and find a horse head in my bed.” Okay, that’s going a bit too far.
There are bigger fish to fry. Janet is organizing an event with Be The Match for her BFF Jared Lipp, who was a recipient of a stem cell donation. Apparently, Kristen is also close with Jared and is hounding him about the seating arrangement.
At Kristen’s, she tells Luke that they’ll be sitting with Mia, Danny, Jax, and Brittany. She wonders if Janet is going to take over the seating chart and stick her somewhere she doesn’t want to be but then adds, “It’s not really that important to me as long as I’m supporting Jared and you know, we’re at a table with people who match our kind energy.”
In a confessional, Kristen reveals that she and Zack made up. “We both realized we were both just pawns in Janet’s giant manipulation game.
“Janet really loves the sh*t-talking, the planting of the seeds, the lighting the match, and walking away,
she continues. Kristen then says Janet is pulling the pregnant card to get away with her behavior.
The guys bond over beer and complaining about their wives
Jax, Danny, and Jesse take the kids to the fair. They sh*t talk about Kristen in the car and say her therapy is not working. At the fair, they look at the animals. This carnival is stacked and they even have a wallaby named Sunflower.
The dads walk around in their dad uniform and drink beers. Jax asks Jesse how therapy with Michelle is going. “Right now, it’s bad,” he answers. “[The therapist] is like, ‘Don’t touch her. Don’t make comments about her ass.’ Because she said she was like, uncomfortable when I said how hot she was.”
Jax is surprised Michelle doesn’t like to get compliments. “We’re so far past the compliment thing that she feels like when I say it, they’re fake,” Jesse explains. Jax says he doesn’t compliment Brittany enough, surprise surprise.
“I think it’s safe to say the romantic spark is just not there right now,” Jax tells the cameras. “I let that spark fizzle. It’s just not fair to either one of us, especially it’s not fair to my wife. She deserves to have a man be loving to her,”
At the fair, Danny asks if they’ve taken the “love language” test. Jesse doesn’t know what that is. “Until you know what your other person’s needs are, what their love languages are, you may never be showing them the love that they actually are desiring,” Danny says. Jax asks if this test is something he can take at CVS.
Kristen Doute and Luke Broderick talk about their future
Kristen and Luke go on a date night and it’s clear the mountain man doesn’t like Los Angeles. He says 90% of the people there are douchebags. He asks Kristen where she would like to live once they get pregnant and have a family.
“So here’s my thing, California is important to me. Like, I can’t leave California like, tomorrow or next year, or the year after. But I think giving it a couple of years…” Kristen tells him.
Luke asks why and says answers, “I moved three times in a year and a half. I can’t do it again. I need a minute.”
In a confessional, Luke says that there’s no way he’s moving to Cali. In her own confessional, Kristen shares that she’s trying to convince him to stay.
At dinner, Kristen tells Luke, “Right now my work is here. California is really important. Need a minute to breathe.”
Danny and Brittany help Luke set up a romantic setup for later so that they can get their nasty on. There are rose petals and candles galore — and even a massage table. Brittany isn’t bitter at all that Jax never does anything romantic for her.
The Be The Match gala is here
Janet, Jason, Brittany, and Jax are riding together to the big event. Brittany and Jax are already arguing about how much to donate. He argues that they spend $150 an hour for Cruz’s speech therapy several times a week and caps the spending to $2,000. Janet tells him to up it to $2,500 but he complains that Brittany just bought two bags.
Everyone is dressed in their finest black tie attire and then Jesse walks in wearing a multi-colored monstrosity.
“Jesse’s jacket looks like he is walking into a bar in Miami in the ’80s and about to snort a line of cocaine the length of the bar,” Zack tells the cameras.
Kristen arrives and says Luke isn’t coming because his dog Jill is really sick and has the runs. Jax thinks Luke just wants to get out of coming to group events. He may not be wrong.
At the table, Zack apologizes to Michelle for his part in the whole racist drama. She forgives him for gossiping behind her back because he’s not the one who brought it up in public. He suggests she talk to Kristen to put it behind her. Michelle doesn’t reply but takes a sip of her drink in a sinister way like a movie villain.
Zack wrangles Kristen, Michelle, and Jesse to hash it out in a more quiet area. Michelle and Jesse are outside first and she says she’s cold but he doesn’t offer her his very loud jacket. He’s already looking aggro.
Kristen starts off by telling Michelle, “I love you very, very much. And I know how harmful, like, words can be when they’re put on you when they’re completely not true. I said something that — I shouldn’t have repeated it.”
“And I think that’s why we’re upset because you keep saying the word, ‘repeated’ and everybody is denying that comment,” Michelle answers. Kristen apologizes to Michelle again, who then tells her, “I think that you need some help.”
Zack the mediator asks Kristen if she wants to say anything to Jesse so she apologizes to him as well and he tells her to stop getting involved in drama. He does say sorry for the hurtful thing he said to her and Zack, so there’s that. They all leave and Zack tells Kristen, “I feel like that went good,” which is true because no one yelled, but is also untrue because Michelle seems to be done with Kristen.
