Life in the Valley is wearing on Luke Broderick, who feels like Los Angeles is not his home. He wants his bows and fishing rods, dammit, but even if he had them, where would he use them?
Kristen Doute is more concerned about getting pregnant and clearly doesn’t want to live in Colorado which gets really hot and doesn’t have electricity. Luke just wants to catch fish, which he won’t be doing at Nobu.
Jax Taylor and Jasmine Goode meet up for lunch. She tells him that Brittany Cartwright has complained about their sex life and needs more attention from him.
Jax blames the baby for their lack of spark. Jasmine advises him not to become Jesse and Michelle Lally, who are the poster couple for what not to do in a marriage
To take the heat off of him, Jax tells Jasmine, “What he told me when we went to the carnival — ‘If my marriage lasts the next two months, I’ll be shocked.'” At this point, “The Valley” viewers aren’t shocked at all.
Then, Jax drops a bombshell. “I was told she has been texting other men. Kristen told me this about Michelle.”
“Is that why she said the whole, ‘I’ve been protecting you?'” Jasmine asks. “That’s it,” Jax confirms. He then says he’s worried that Kristen will say something when he’s the one on national television spilling tea.
Jax Taylor is losing his hair
Jax calls Danny Booko to invite him to an event he’s hosting with a company that deals with hair loss. He admits that he’s starting to thin out a bit.
“Yes, he is losing his hair,” Danny says gleefully in a confessional. “He has a bald spot in the back of his head and his hair is, like, thinning. Kudos to Jax to turn it into some money.”
Danny rejoices in his full head of hair and this is his revenge for Jax pulling down his swim trunks.
Michelle Lally is checked out of her marriage
Michelle and Jesse’s marriage problems have been evident since the beginning of “The Valley” but she’s totally dunzo by now.
“I realize that it would be better to raise Isabella where she can see two loving people love each other instead of two people always fighting. I don’t want her to grow up to think that that’s normal,” Michelle tells the cameras.
Jesse is still in the phase where he wants to work on his marriage. While helping Danny put together furniture, he reveals that he wants to try plant-based medicine like ayahuasca.
“I want to step outside of myself to see my ego on the inside and be like, is that the Jesse that alienates people because he can? And I know I can use my aggression to shut the whole table up, but it’s not empowerment,” Jesse says.
Jax Taylor is checked out of his marriage
Jax and Brittany go visit his their bar and she wants to be more involved in the process. “Whenever he should lean on me, he just doesn’t. It’s just like, I’m here. I can help you, so it can be difficult,” she tells the cameras.
They talk outside and Jax tells Brittany he’s stressed. She understands but wants to have more kids. “We need to have some alone time. We need me and you time. We can take a little trip or we can at least start having date nights,” Brittany tells him. “Give me a little romance.”
Brittany wants to feel butterflies but Jax says, “I feel like I’m going to start crying.”
Jax Taylor plays up his non-existent bald spot for money
It’s the day of Jax’s event and Tom Schwartz comes with his new platinum blond hair. “Schwartz right now is giving me midlife crisis Ken,” Zack Wickham tells the cameras. “I don’t know what color you call that, maybe burnt carrot.” To be honest, Zack is the last person to criticize another person’s hair.
Jax gives a speech about how he noticed a minuscule bald spot after a fashion shoot. Everyone agrees that Jax exaggerates things but good on him for making money off of it.
Jax, Jesse, and Luke have meandered into the stall of a scantily-clad young lady selling Burning Man outfits. How convenient. They introduce themselves to Gabby.
Everyone heads to dinner but Jesse is nowhere to be found. Oh wait, he’s by Gabby’s shop, where Michelle finds him. He nervously tells her that Gabby is selling Burning Man outfits and Michelle asks him if he’s going. He tells her no and then she herds him to dinner.
Jesse Lally just wants to drink in peace
Jesse is obviously in a bad mood during dinner. Michelle says she’s cold and Jax offers her his jacket, which she takes. Jesse looks pissed.
In a confessional, he reveals that before they came to the event, he had a therapy session and realized that Michelle wanted out of their marriage. He looks heartbroken.
During dinner, he gets up to do a shot of tequila. When he comes back, Michelle asks loudly, “Everybody wants to know what the hell is wrong with you and to wake up.”
“What’s wrong with me?” he asks. “Nobody knows the quiet Jesse,” Michelle responds.
“People keep asking me, ‘What’s wrong,'” Jesse tells the cameras. “Can’t I just eat dinner and have a, you know, another half a dozen drinks?”
Everyone gets on Jesse’s case and tells him to lighten up. Jesse bangs on the table. Kristen wants to leave and Jesse challenges her. “I’m not doing this again,” she tells him. “It’s not funny, it’s not cute.”
A sub-fight starts when Kristen tells Luke, “He’s such a f*cking douche. His own wife calls him a douche. Can you imagine if I called you a douchebag?”
“I mean, you have, so,” Luke responds. Kristen says, “I’ve never called you a douchebag ever.” He goes, “I’m just saying, it’s the truth.” She asks, “Are you joking right now?” This is going to be revisited later.
Kristen Doute no longer protects Michelle Lally
Kristen gets up and in the background, she’s heard talking to a producer. “He’s acting like a f*cking psycho. He’s f*cking banging his hands on the table again? This is turning into trash. He’s a really horrific human but I don’t want to out their whole f*cking marriage and everything I know about it.”
Jesse is heard saying, “If you bring out any skeletons I don’t already know about my wife, I will f*cking bury you.”
“I would never, ever do that to you,” Kristen tells him. Things escalate and Luke goes over to push Jesse away. Michelle says, “Don’t touch my husband!” Jesse gets in Luke’s face and asks, “What are you going to do?”
Sh*t’s going down and Kristen supposedly “protecting” Michelle gets brought up. Kristen tells her, “You don’t know what your husband is saying behind your back.”
When Michelle asks what it is, Kristen says, “Your husband said that he’s going to divorce you within two months.” Jesse denies it and Jax confirms in a confessional that Michelle was the one who said that.
Luke yells at Jesse, “Talk to your wife,” and as Zack tries to protect Kristen, Jesse comes barreling down the hall.
Kristen and Luke leave but before they take their mics off, Kristen spills that Michelle had a boyfriend for a year.
In a confessional, Kristen says, “About a year ago, Michelle and Jesse were very unhappy. Michelle had a guy. She was seeing him, they were hanging out. I was not against any of this because I think Jesse’s a piece of sh*t.”
Now that Michelle is on Kristen’s hit list, the secrets all come out.
