At the beach outing, Ariana Madix is big mad that Tom Sandoval is there. When Brock Davies accuses her of castrating Sandoval, she says that she has every right to after he cheated on her with Rachel Leviss. “I’m allowed to f*cking feel a certain way because he did sh*t to me. I never did anything to him,” Ariana argues.
“This man not only tried to ruin me, but now he’s saying everything he possibly can to make me seem like a horrible partner,” she says in a confessional.
Tom Schwartz jumps up and says he’s going to take Sandoval to the bar. “Sounds good, bye,” Ariana tells him. At the bar, Schwartz tells Sandoval, “You guys gotta get out of that house together.” Like, Sandoval doesn’t know that already.
Sandoval then vents about how Ariana doesn’t buy anything for the house and that he foots the bill for stuff like toilet paper and garbage bags. Flashback to him complaining about the same thing last year after Scandoval came out.
“You just got destroyed in the internet for saying that. Why would you bring it up again?” a producer asks Sandoval in a confessional. “I think Ariana’s gonna be in for it when she gets her own place,” he sighs. “She’s gonna be in for like, a very rude awakening.
Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney go after Scheana’s babysitter
We all saw in the “Vanderpump Rules” Season 11 promo that Schwartz and Katie Maloney both kiss the same mystery woman. It turns out that she’s no other than Scheana Shay’s nanny, Tori Keeth.
Scheana tells the cameras that she introduced Schwartz and Tori but then Katie was all, “Tori should date me instead.”
“All is fair in love and war,” Scheana shrugs. “And with Katie and Schwartz, that’s really all you get — love and war.”
Scheana has a point about the war part because at the beach, Katie calls Schwartz to complain that he left all his stuff there so that he could take Sandoval to do shots of water at the bar.
Schwartz thanks Katie for grabbing his stuff but she tells him, “Um, this was me letting you know that it’s down here.” Her demeanor is all, “Take that, ex-husband, who never had my back.”
Tom Schwartz asks Tori Keeth out — kind of
The group makes their way to the bar where Sandoval is picking up girls and buying them a shot. Tori comes in with her pink hair and Schwartz pretends she’s his girlfriend. So cute.
Schwartzy asks her what she wants to drink and when he guesses tequila, she makes a face. This doesn’t bode well for Katie. Tori wants champagne and orders him to the bar, which is good because he needs direction.
This is apparent when Tori asks him if he’s going to ever ask her out and he asks, “You want to go out on a date?” It’s good that Tori is used to babysitting. She will need a lot of patience to coddle Schwartz.
Katie comes by to cock-block. Schwartz is proud because he bought a bottle of bubbly for Tori but Katie tells him it’s not champagne, it’s sparkling wine. Schwartz seems to think that if it says “brut” that means champagne. She tells him that the girls Sandoval tried to pick up want to talk to him and he falls for the trap. Katie looks at Tori like she’s a bottle of Patron and wants to drink her right up. Tori looks nervous.
Ariana Madix breaks down over her breakup with Sandoval
Lala Kent tries to talk to Ariana again about her anger toward Sandoval. “We know you cannot control Tom, what he does, how he acts. You can only control yourself. Do you feel like there’s unresolved feelings?” she asks.
“I know that the amount of anger I feel for him — I understand it’s not healthy,” Ariana responds. Scheana wishes there was better communication between Ariana and Sandoval where he took accountability for his actions.
“He’s never going to say he f*cked up. He hasn’t even told me he f*cked up about the main thing,” Ariana points out. Lala starts tearing up because she can totally relate.
“That was your dream house, he wrecked that house. Now, let’s just get you out,” Scheana says reasonably.
“You’re right,” Ariana cries. “It just sucks ’cause it’s like I put so much of my life and my money and my time into, like, into making this my dream home and it was my dream home. And it’s like, not only did he wreck it, but the way he like, wants to act like he is, like, somewhat, like, deserving of like, staying there…”
“I keep my armor up because this sh*t is f*cking traumatic,” Ariana tells the cameras. “And I’m trying to find ways to go through all these things without making it everybody else’s problem. But then he’s openly talking sh*t because the guy has no remorse.”
Katie Maloney has game
Schwartz is still talking to random girls, which gives Tori the chance to ask Katie if she’s been with girls before. Katie says she has but doesn’t label herself sexually.
“I’ve always had, you know, an attraction to women but I was with Tom Schwartz forever so I wasn’t really acting on any of that,” Katie says in a confessional. “But he’s not going to stop me from doing anything now.”
At the bar, Tori wants to kiss Katie and she gives her the green light.
They make out some more while the group watches them. Get it girls!
Jo Wenberg tells Lala Kent she had no clue about Scandoval
Lala and Jo Wenberg meet up for fried carnival food like corndogs with cheese, which is very un-LA. Lala tells her that she saw the other girls gang up on her at Ziggy’s and wanted to make sure she’s okay.
“I see how much Schwartz loves his friends and I want to be welcomed into the group if I want to be a part of Schwartz’s life forever and potentially, Lala is the ticket to that,” Jo tells the cameras.
Unfortunately for her, it seems Lala has another agenda in asking her to hang out and asks her point blank if she knew about Scandoval. Jo says no and Lala says, “How could you not have known?”
“I hung out with them a couple of times. I’m not watching them. I’m looking at Schwartz,” Jo replies.
In a confessional, Jo says she thought Sandoval and Ariana were broken up already.
Lala tells Jo that she and Schwartz are the weirdest pairing ever. “Ha ha ha,” Jo laughs while looking like she’s going to bawl.
However, when Lala brings up a possible marriage, Jo is like no way.
Lala Kent shops for sperm
Lala brings Scheana along to her sperm bank appointment. Lala asks the sperm bank expert what the donors’ intentions are, be it money or the desire to help women wanting to get pregnant. “A lot of donors do, uh, tell us that it is in the desire of helping others,” he answers.
He tells Lala that all the donors go through a mental health evaluation, as well as physical, so she’s going to get the top of the top. Lala informs him that she wants to throw a sperm-picking party so that her future child knows how special they are.
“What an amazing story to tell,” he says.
Lala tells Scheana that she wants to start a family on her own because the one she has with Randall Emmett feels “broken.” She tells the cameras that she grew up with her mom and dad in the same household and feels like she failed her daughter. “And it wasn’t because of me, so I’m not risking that again.”
The topic pivots to Ariana and they both talk sh*t. “I don’t know if she’s trying to just stand her ground but she’s just not going to win this game ’cause this is very simple. Move out. It’s like I can’t talk about it anymore,” Lala says.
Scheana, who is Ariana’s BFF, agrees. “I think a big part of it is her pride and she is like, ‘Well I can’t go into an apartment.” Scheana and Lala both wish for the whole debacle to be over because they’re all sick of it.
Jo Wenberg is responsible for Schwartz’s Ken hairdo
We saw Schwartz debut his bleached blond hair in the “Vanderpump Rules” Season 11 promo and now we know how it happened. During this episode, he goes to Jo’s salon and tells her that she can do anything she wants.
He tells her that he went out with Tori the night before and the screen shows them sharing a kiss. This is essentially become a threesome between Schwartz, Katie, and Tori by proxy. Ew. Or maybe not? It’s too confusing.
Jo asks why he’s allowed to see Tori when he and Katie had a rule not to date within the friend group but he tells her that the rule changed when his ex hooked up with Max Boyens. Although, it may have been when Schwartz made out with Rachel Leviss in Mexico, just saying SCHWARTZY.
He tells Jo that Katie swapped spit with Tori too, which is weird by itself, but he reveals that Katie and Tori are going on a date that same day.
It turns out that Katie and Tori are having those painting dates. Tori jokes about Bob Ross being alive during the video camera days, which shows just how young she is. Katie is like, I could be too old for this Gen Z.
Back at the salon, Schwartz’s hair is the color of orange hay and Jo says he looks great. It was her idea, after all. She tells him he looks like Eminem which doesn’t seem like a compliment.
Tom Schwartz debuts his hair
Schwartz and Jo, who has invited herself, meet up with the guys for singles night. His hair is very blond.
“I wanted to mix it up and reinvent myself a little bit,” he tells them. “Oh, I love it,” Jo says. “It’s so sexy.” She keeps rearranging his bangs in front of the other guys.
“Schwartz and Jo are on two different pages. Jo is looking at their situationship as a glass-half-full relationship. You know, and Schwartz just being Schwartz is gonna give off mixed signals,” Sandoval tells the cameras.
After like 10 minutes of her fussing with his hair, Schwartz finally snaps, “Jo, can you not?” She says, “It’s my work!” But he’s done being groomed when he just wants to have a beer with his guy friends.
The girls have their own night out and Lala reveals she had cheesy dogs with Jo. Katie is immediately mad. “You don’t have any relationship with this girl. You don’t know this girl, this girl is nothing to you. I’m something to you so why you gotta go like, feel bad for this chick?”
“I went and had a conversation. You act like I went and told her, ‘Come swimming with my child,'” Lala protests. She explains to Katie that Jo was the one who contacted her and asked to speak. Katie thinks Lala is being a bad friend but Scheana points out that she has been pretty consistent.
Katie doesn’t buy it and looks pissed.
At singles night, everyone chooses a green bracelet, which means they’re good to go. Sandoval is already talking to two girls before the host pressed “GO.” A prospect tells him that she likes it when guys wear women’s jewelry, like pearls. He answers, “I wear, like, a lot of women’s stuff actually.
A lady asks for Schwartz’s hat and Jo magically appears all concerned that he now doesn’t have a hat. The woman asks for a kiss and he gives her a lame peck. Jo is bothered and later shares in a confessional, “What am I, chopped liver?” She is clearly expecting more from Schwartz and she exits the bar.
Jo then tells the cameras that she and Schwartz have been hooking up and told each other, “I love you.” Not cool, Schwartzy. “I’m tired of feeling like a secret.”
The Vanderpump Rules group take literal shots at each other
The group goes to play paintball, minus Katie and Ariana, obvs. Scheana comes but just as a spectator. She’s already complaining about the heat and lack of a luxury bathroom.
The instructor tells them that they can break their noses and teeth, and to watch out for rattlesnakes. “I’m scared,” Schwartz whispers to Brock, who laughs because he’s from Australia and they crush teeth for breakfast.
They split into two groups and Sandoval thinks he’s John Wick and sets off a smoke bomb. He and Brock get hit first.
Scheana and Lala tell Ally Lewber about girls’ night and how Katie got mad about Jo. Ally is all for Lala hanging out with Jo and says she felt bad for the hairstylist.
Lala shares that she thinks it’s hypocritical of Katie to demand loyalty when she had sex with Schwartz’s best friend, Max Boyens.
Schwartz lets Jo Wenberg down
Schwartz visits Jo at her house, where he walks into her doing birdcalls on a whistle. He asks her what happened during singles night. “Am I sending you mixed signals? ‘Cause I know we have such a good time together and we have this undeniable chemistry.”
He continues, “That being said, I don’t want to be in a relationship at all. I want to date other people, I am dating other people, I get numbers, I hook up with people.”
Jo tells him that it’s BS given how they have been there for each other the past year. “Shut the f*ck up.” She then asks him, “Are you embarrassed by me?”
“No, not at all, Joseph. My god,” he insists. They both agree that they have chemistry together but as usual, Schwartz can’t commit. Jo starts to cry and she’s way more heartbroken than Schwartzy.
