Scheana Shay is still trying to make “Good As Gold” happen and is shooting her music video in Kyle Chan’s jewelry store. The cast minus Katie Maloney is there to support her/be her backup dancers.
When asked why Katie isn’t coming, Scheana whines that she was given a lame excuse. “Ugh, deathbed, wah,” Scheana tells Lala Kent, imitating Katie.
“I mean, are you really sick or are you trying to avoid Lala after that big fight?” Scheana asks in a confessional. Flashback to Katie getting mad that Lala had hotdogs with Jo Wenberg.
Scheana can’t stew over Katie not being there because she has a music video to shoot, dammit. She can’t believe that she’s shooting one 10 years after the song came out and frankly, neither can “Vanderpump Rules” fans.
Rachel Leviss causes chaos
Even though she’s not on “VPR” Season 11, Rachel aka Raquel Leviss is being much talked about. Ally Lewber informs James Kennedy that Rachel had gone on Bethenny Frankel’s podcast and said a bunch of stuff like, James being a bad dad to their dog Graham, who is now Hippie. Also, she and Ariana Madix were apparently not as tight as it seemed.
“Rachel and I spent a ton of time together,” Ariana tells the cameras. Flashback to Rachel saying in a confessional, “These are my like, true, core people. These are my forever friends.”
At the music video shoot, Scheana goes on a rant about how she let Rachel stay at her apartment and only gave her $1,000 of her $4,3000 rent and didn’t pay any other bills or even replace her toilet paper.
Ally tells James, “She says that she was just upset after your breakup. She wasn’t over you, she never actually loved Tom, which is funny because that’s not what she was saying last summer.”
Tom Sandoval goes over to Tom Schwartz’s house and is upset about the podcast, particularly Rachel saying she was never in love with him. Meanwhile, he’s been wearing his lightning bolt jewelry as a symbol of their star-crossed romance.
“I made changes to myself, like, thinking that maybe one day that she would, like, see all the, um, hard work that I’d done on myself [and] would appreciate it,” Sandoval says with tears running down his face.
Now he’s realizing that the whole affair was for nothing. “It’s over man. It’s been over,” Schwartz tells him.
Lisa Vanderpump gives Tom Sandoval advice
Sandoval shows up late to make cocktails for Lisa Vanderpump to try at TomTom and his head is still wrapped around the podcast. Lisa asks why he even listened to it.
“I’m listening to it because I want to know what’s being said about me. It’s bullsh*t,” he tells her. Lisa tells the cameras, “I don’t want Sandoval to start spiraling after we just got him to a place where it was starting to even out. What is Raquel possibly going to say that is going to make anybody look at her in a better light?”
Lisa asks Sandoval about the house but at this point, he doesn’t know if he can even keep it if he buys Ariana out. “Sell it, Tom. It’s too much house for you — the upkeep, everything. Sell it. Get out. Call it a day,” she tells him.
Out of nowhere, Lala comes barging in and asks Lisa if she can host her sperm donor party at her house. “I don’t want you throwing sperm around my house,” Lisa tells Lala, which is a reasonable request.
Lala assures her that it’ll be classy and contained. She plans to have her friends choose the donor they like best, which is a lot of faith she’s giving to the “VPR” crew who barely have their sh*t together.
Tom Sandoval can’t sing
Tom Sandoval is rehearsing for his show and is shamelessly wearing a t-shirt that says, “Dipped Out,” which is a reference to him telling Lisa last season that Rachel “dipped out” of his house instead of sleeping over during the height of their affair.
There’s a smoke machine while Sandoval sings in falsetto and he thinks he’s cool. James comes by and claps for him. Graham Hippie looks unimpressed.
James actually feels empathy for Sandoval because Rachel talked smack about him as well after their breakup.
“Throughout this whole process, I really tried to look out for Raquel and I’m realizing now that I cared for her way more than she f*cking cared for me, dude,” Sandoval tells James. “I mean, I’m listening to the sh*t that’s coming out of her mouth and I’m like, it’s f*cking bullish*t.”
Sandoval has officially moved onto the anger part of the grieving process. “It’s so goddamn disrespectful. She used me and now has thrown me away.”
It’s awkward venting to the ex-boyfriend of your ex-mistress and James says, “I just want this in my past.” He then tells Sandoval, “I don’t believe you guys were ever in love. I think it was a f*ck-fest for six months.”
“Dude, we would sit there for five hours and talk,” Sandoval protests. “You would get horny, extra horny because you weren’t getting it from Ariana,” James says.
In a twist of reality television fate, James becomes the voice of reason on “VPR” and points out that Sandoval and Ariana had true love. “Bro, you looked at me dead in the eyes for years talking about how much you f*cking loved that girl … God, it’s like you forget, bro.”
James then tells Sandoval that he’s not going to open for his lame band and walks away with Hippie.
Tom Sandoval has a new assistant
Ann Maddox has become persona non grata to Sandoval after she interviewed for a job with Ariana and complained about his dirty underwear. Now, Sandoval has a tatted lookalike named Craig, who has the mustache he always wanted.
“I first met Craig because he was a bartender at Schwartz and Sandy’s,” Sandoval tells the camera. “Things didn’t work out with Ann so you know, Craig’s like, coming on board and hey, if anything, guy could be my stunt double.”
Sandoval is still trying to hold onto his house like he’s holding onto his pretend relationship with Rachel and asks Schwartz to be his roomie. “Dude, the optics of that are horrible for me,” Schwartz says. “Someone would make voodoo dolls of us and like, pin them and needle them.”
Schwartz asks what his rent would be and Sandoval tells him $6,000 a month. If his hair wasn’t bleached already, it would’ve turned white.
“You pay $4,500 a month!” Sandoval tells him, as if $1,500 isn’t that much of a difference. Schwartz proves that he’s not as dumb as he seems when he responds, “I cannot in good conscience put 6K towards something that I’m not going to get a return on. I’m not building equity in here.”
Sandoval tells Schwartz that they would get a loan together. “Oh, I don’t like that,” Schwartz says. “They would look at us like two nincompoops.”
Lala Kent’s friends choose her sperm donor
Because “VPR” Season 11 doesn’t have enough storylines now that Scandoval is dying down, Lala hosts a sperm donor party where she relies on her friends to pick her next baby daddy. The cast looks sufficiently fake-interested.
Lala wants to play Pin the Sperm on the Vagina. Lisa Vanderpump misses the mark but Katie gets it near where the sperm needs to go.
Brian from the sperm bank is actually there, so Lala is really making this a thing. Donor #1 is tall and his favorite song is “Grown Ocean,” so Scheana chooses him.
Donor #2 has a master’s degree in art history and loves dogs, which Lisa is all for. She’s definitely saving his info.
The final donor is an accounting and finance bro who likes to cook. Number 2 quickly gets discounted because we all know that art historians don’t make money. The majority like #1 because even if he becomes an art historian, at least he will have tall genes and that will get a guy far in life.
James Kennedy and Ally Lewber think about their future
All this talk about babies has Ally and James talking about their future. James wants a family but Ally Bally doesn’t feel a strong desire to be a mom to humans.
“These are things that I want, you know, and these are things that I’ve worked my whole life for. I see that future with you and I see that, like, kids with you and then it’s like, it scares me when you say, like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m not ready,'” James cries.
“I don’t want to do what I did with Raquel, right, and be with someone for five years, come to find out it was all f*cking bullsh*t and it never meant anything anyway,” James tells Ally.
Ally assures him that she loves him and wants a future with him. “Right,” James says.
Lala Kent and Katie Maloney hash it out
At the TomTom brunch, Katie tells Lala what Ally said previously about her looking miserable and angry at everything. “Did you say that verbatim?” Lala asks Ally.
“I was trying to remember the words and I couldn’t remember and then that’s — that is what I said,” Ally stammers. Flashback to Lala saying that she thinks Katie is “unhappy.”
Katie tells Lala that she feels like her friend has been having other people’s backs other than hers. “I feel like your softness is going to people that are like, not necessarily the most deserving people. I feel like you are very more defensive with me lately.”
Lala says maybe it’s because Katie and Ariana has been getting closer lately. “The reason why we’re not close is because you don’t have a single moment to hang out,” Katie tells Lala.
“I would love to have Lala as a close friend in my life always. But it goes both ways. It’s an effort, not an obligation,” Katie says in a confessional.
