Despite living in the same house with his contentious ex, Tom Sandoval is living his best life and is throwing a pool party. He’s in his full-on Y2K era with a backward baseball cap, tinted aviator sunglasses, and a friendship necklace. Oh, let’s not forget his wifebeater.
Ariana Madix comes downstairs to a room full of randos plus Kyle Chan doing shots and she deftly exits the scene.
Katie Maloney and Lala Kent meet up after their fight in the last episode. “That was the third time that I feel like you’ve looked at me like I’m your enemy,” Lala says. Katie admits that she goes low with Lala sometimes. Lala then admits that she hits back hard when she feels that way.
“Katie has been, like, my ride-or-die for many years and we’ve been so in sync. But how we used to fit into each other’s lives is different. Now I’m trying to get soft and heal from trauma, ’cause I don’t want to end up a miserable bitter b***h, and she’s happy on her warpath,” Lala says in a confessional.
At the restaurant, Lala tells Katie that when she’s trying to input how she feels because of her history with her ex, she’s not making it about her. Katie tells her that it sure does seem like it. “I will work on that,” Lala promises.
Lala asks Katie not to be so cutting and tells her that she’s worried they’ll both get to a point where they can’t come back from their mean, mean words. Katie says she’s sorry and the two wrap up their storyline make up.
Sandoval shoots his shot and misses
Back at the pool party, people’s ta-tas are out and things are getting rowdy. Tom Schwartz tells Sandoval he’s heading out because we all know how he gets around girls. Hint: awkward.
In a confessional, Schwartz shows some reason when he says, “I’m so proud that Tom is putting himself out there but, like, maybe don’t do it under the same roof of the girl that you cheated on.”
It’s clear Sandoval has a thing for blondes, as two flaxen-haired women that he invited walk in. They do a shot (non-alcoholic for Sandoval) and go out back to the pool where his assistant Ann is doing overtime duties as a drinks server.
“To staying positive and testing negative,” Sandoval says, which is the cringiest cheers ever. He then tells the girls that he’s probably going to be married by next year. They look at each other and one fiddles with her hair, which is probably their code to leave STAT.
“Have you guys been to Burning Man?” he then asks. They say no and he says, “This would have been, like, a great year for me to go. F***ing single, like … I do have a roommate though. Told you guys about my roommate, right?”
“It’s just my ex-girlfriend,” he tells them. “Nothing serious, like just a 10-year relationship.” For someone who’s not drinking, he sure can’t shut up.
He goes on to sound like a serial killer. “I keep her locked in the room and I crush potato chips and put them under the door for her to eat.” He thinks he’s crushing his game. Meanwhile, they’re probably pinching each other’s thighs under the water in Morse Code trying to spell out “Help.”
Ariana Madix sees through Scheana Shay
Scheana Shay comes to Ariana/Sandoval’s house to a big mess from his pool party, that Ann is delegated to clean up. Ariana has heard Scheana is upset at her and asks what’s up.
Ariana reveals that Lisa Vanderpump told her that Scheana didn’t like being left out of knowing about “Dancing With The Stars.”
“Obviously you know that’s something I’ve wanted forever, and I started dance class,” Scheana says. “And I just felt like I was really being considered for the season … but then you never told me, like, you got it and I was like, oh damn, I kind of wish I heard it from you.”
Scheana goes on to say it was a “punch to the gut” and that she cried over the news but that she was genuinely happy for Ariana.
In a confessional, Scheana confesses that she felt like she and Ariana were closer. “But lately, talking to her has been difficult. I don’t feel she’s been super receptive with my feelings.”
Scheana then tells Ariana how much she misses her friendship with Sandoval but Ariana tells her that it’s difficult for her to hear that. Scheana asks Ariana a hypothetical question regarding maybe becoming friends with Sandoval years later after seeing that he’s changed.
“I think Scheana is bringing this up because she 100% has plans to be friends with Tom Sandoval, and I think she’s trying to soften the blow when this becomes a reality,” Ariana says in a confessional.
Jo Wenberg is still weird
Schwartz and Jo Wenberg go on a nice date friend hangout. They take a paddleboat out on the water, which is totally not something you do with a platonic buddy. She tells him that she used to have a turtle that she walked on a leash, which isn’t surprising considering the source. Supposedly Charlie the Turtle fell down a sewer drain and became a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Jo tells Schwartz that she’s going to hang out with Ally Lewber. She then tells the cameras that Katie hasn’t exactly been welcoming toward her. How she’s surprised about that, only Jo knows.
“Turtle!” Schwartz says, pointing at the water. “Duck!” Jo says, pointing at a nearby duck. The two are clearly meant for each other.
Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval share the same airspace
There’s a big “Vanderpump Rules” hangout and Ariana refuses to be excluded, despite Sandoval being there. He’s so stressed that he needs to poop.
The girls go sit in the patio area. Ally tells them that Jo reached out to her and that she accepted. “I think she’s quirky,” Ally says. “That is such a generous statement. Quirky?” Katie scoffs.
Katie then goes on a diatribe in a confessional about how Jo was first friends with Kristen Doute and during her divorce from Schwartz, she sent her a weird-ass text that read, “Bieber loves you / I love you, and I’m so supporting of your inner thoughts and visions / live in the moment, you’re a gem and I’ve always respected you. I love You. Xo. Jo.”
“And then a few months later, she’s living with Tom Schwartz. I mean the girl just moves in really sketchy ways,” Katie says.
Scheana and Schwartz are having a nice little convo and Sandoval worms his way in. She tries to give Sandoval advice about Katie’s point of view regarding her marriage to Schwartz. “Swallow your ego, swallow your feelings and be like, ‘You know what Katie? … Actually, I f***ed up. I understand that this business I opened with your ex-husband was probably a big part of the demise of your relationship and I’m sorry for that.’ Can you do that?”
Sandoval tells her, “It’s not an ego thing.” He’s tired of being the “scapegoat” and Scheana gets frustrated and walks away. Even James Kennedy, who apparently has been lurking, is like, WTF is wrong with you?
Scheana Shay and Brock Davies fight
Scheana and Brock continue to bicker about childcare. He wants a nanny but she’s not comfortable hiring just anyone. Their schedule doesn’t make it conducive to planning either and when he raises his voice, she tells him, “Lower the tone, Sandoval.”
He draws a sad face on the chalkboard and she laughs. “Look, I’m hoping that Scheana will come around because I wanna figure out what’s next for my career. I’m not doing it while I’m at the house right now. It’s really difficult when her schedule is all over the place. Getting a nanny is going to help me figure out how I can be the best dad, best husband, and best businessman.”
Now that the fight has been diffused, Scheana has the opportunity to talk about herself. She tells Brock about how she tried to talk to Ariana regarding how hurt she was at finding out about “Dancing With The Stars” online instead of her BFF. Brock implies that Ariana is going to implode soon. “I hope not,” Scheana says.
Sandoval attempts to make nice with Katie Maloney
Sandoval doesn’t feel sorry about the demise of Katie and Schwartz’s marriage but then tells the cameras that he’ll say sorry to her in order to make Scheana happy. Because that’s sincere.
“You know, Katie, I really, uh, I want to apologize to you for the way I acted last year during your divorce,” he tells her. She’s clearly not buying it.
“Apologies are just like, words. At the end of the day, Tom, like, you f***ed up, big time. It’s fathomless, really, to carry on in an affair like that,” Katie tells Sandoval.
“I’m trying to look back on this situation and learn and reflect and grow, so …” Sandoval says. “Well, stop explaining yourself and just moving differently,” Katie responds. She advises him to stop throwing parties with random girls and he’s like, do I stop living my life? He clearly doesn’t get it and when he tells Katie, “Give me a little bit of grace,” she answers, “No.”
Sandoval misses Rachel Leviss
Sandoval has been journaling and not drinking in order to still feel connected to Rachel Leviss. However, her silence is killing him. “I lost pretty much all of my friends and now, losing Rachel, it’s a lot for me emotionally,” he tells the cameras.
He shares that he had hoped he and Rachel would be together once she got out of her treatment facility. “But I’m figuring out, like, that’ll never happen and uh, it really f***ing breaks my heart.?
Sandoval cries into his closet while Schwartz looks on helplessly. “Sorry dude,” Sandoval says. Schwartz doesn’t know how to deal with such immense emotions.
Schwartz tells Sandoval that it’ll be over soon and in another tone-deaf moment, Sandoval says, “Dude, no, that’s not even remotely accurate. I’m being treated like I’m f***ing Scott Peterson and it will f***ing linger with me like f**ing Scott Peterson.”
Ally Lewber gives Jo Wenberg a reading
Ally is now the resident psychic of “Vanderpump Rules” and Jo wants to know what the stars say about her and Schwartz. Unfortunately, the stars say that she and Schwartzy are just friends, but Ally assures her, “But friends date too. Actually, I see a lot of people who date who’s like, their spouse activates that friendship chart because it’s like your spouse should be your best friend.” Jo looks relieved.
Jo opens up about not being accepted into the group and Ally assures her that she is welcoming, despite others, such as Katie, accusing her of using crack.
Dun dun DUN! While the guys are out, none other than Jax Taylor makes his way in, which is a perfect transition into “The Valley.” Well done, Bravo.
